When the Click Happened: The Friendship Allergy Test

In a recent session, a client shared something that sounded like progress:

He had started saying no to plans he didn’t want to join. He was being clear, expressive, and respectful. On paper, it looked like a win.

But I noticed a hint of dissatisfaction in his tone. So, I asked.

He paused, then said,

“I’m glad I can say no now… but I miss hanging out. I miss having a good time with friends.”

That’s when we zoomed in. The problem wasn’t saying no, it was what he was saying no to.

We slowed down and examined the discomfort. He began trying something new: instead of meeting the entire group, he met friends one-on-one. Then in pairs. That’s when a pattern clicked.

In one particular combination of friends, the power dynamics always shifted. He felt small, unheard, left out. But when he was with them individually or in other combinations, he felt relaxed, engaged, and truly himself.

He laughed when he made the connection.

“This feels like when I had to isolate food to figure out what I was allergic to. Same logic, different context.”

From that moment, the real shift began.

He started setting boundaries not just with his time, but with the who and how of his socializing. Slowly, friendships felt joyful again, not obligatory. He was no longer avoiding, but choosing what genuinely felt good.

Sometimes, healing looks like saying no.

Sometimes, it looks like asking, 'What am I really reacting to?'

What part of your life might need an “allergy test” to figure out what’s truly bothering you?